This is where the healing begins.

Silent.


That's pretty much how I have been on this blog recently. Same with facebook. (I de-activated my account for a time- for the few that were wondering.) And honestly, it might stay that way for awhile. I don't know.


The truth is that my life is a mess. And I can't pretend that it's not. I can't just post a bunch of happy, smiley pictures up and call it my life- it's not real. Yet, I'm not about to bare my soul to every stranger on the world wide web either. 


Which brings me back to just staying silent. Maybe if I just don't say anything to anybody or keep on working at pretending it's all fine... maybe then I will get out of the pit that threatens to bury me. 


Or maybe if I built up more walls and worked harder at not letting anyone get close enough to me to know the pain... maybe then I could just go on and not have to face the reality of dealing with the hard stuff.


And you might be sitting there thinking, "so how's that workin out for ya?" 


Well, obviously the pain and hard things have not gone away. In fact it gets worse because I am working harder and harder to deal with stuff on my own and have no one that I have let in to my life who will really understand. 


God is the only one who can truly heal us. I know that. 


I also know that our life on earth is not meant to be lived alone, but rather in community. God wants us to encourage one another and build each other up. To bear each other's burdens. To confess our sins one to another. To speak the truth in LOVE to each other. But how are we to really do that when so many of us are walking around pretending? Or afraid that if we opened up about how we were really doing- that we would be judged or misunderstood or whatever else. 


I think it starts with letting the walls that we've worked so hard to build up-  finally fall down. I think it starts with letting go of my pride and NO LONGER caring about what everyone else thinks and ONLY care about what God and His word says. I am tired of feeling like I never measure up. Never good enough. Never smart enough or pretty enough or skinny enough. Always trying to get my act together to look good on the outside or be like so and so. It is the story of my life.


Can you relate?


God has much to teach me and while I'm not about to go babbling my deepest darkest secrets on a public blog or FB, it seems that He has given me this place to share a bit of my life with those who choose to stop by here. I want to give hope and encouragement to those who are struggling along with me and not be just another blog filled with rainbows and butterflies and happy endings. 


Life. is. messy. And mine is no exception. 
So I think I will continue to write here as the Lord leads. I want to Make Him Known through the good times and the hard times and the ugly, messy times. If  you would rather click on this page and see only rainbows and roses, then I think you should go ahead and delete me from your reader list. It's not that I don't anticipate the Lord doing great and wonderful things, it's just that I know that in my life... the JOY always seems to come after the SORROW. And why is one more "blog-worthy" than the other? 




***I have listened to this song about 30 times in the past few weeks. It hits me right where I am at and I wanted to share in case someone else is struggling too. I am ready for the healing to begin.


Healing Begins 
by Tenth Avenue North


So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

good morning

It’s morning. 5:30 am to be exact. I faintly hear the gentle sound of my alarm calling me awake. But it’s still dark. And cold. And I don’t know if I can get up today.



It seems so overwhelming sometimes. You know, life.


So I succumb to the delightful thought of closing my eyes for just a little longer…


But it’s no use.


My mind has already defied what my body would like to do and it is telling the rest of me to drag myself out of bed. A few minutes go by or sometimes longer and the snooze reminds me of that, but either way I know that my day must begin.



Tiptoeing into the living room, I grab my weights and slip my tennis shoes on. In the warmer months I may go out around the neighborhood walking or jogging while listening to worship music or a good sermon, but today in the dead of winter I quietly put in a dvd and manage to just barely get through the 30 minute workout. And then comes my favorite part.




While my heart is still pumping fast and the sweat is still dripping, I grab the Word. I sit down in my chair with my Bible, journal, and my glass of water. I open the Truth and begin to let myself soak it in, much like a towel should be soaking in my sweat at that moment! :) Today it begins with 1 Samuel 19 & 20. I already start to get a little irritated at myself for having to play catch up from yesterday. (Confessions of a task-driven me: I am such a do-er and list- checker that I even bring it into my quiet time- I love having the little boxes to check off each day as I read the Bible in a year, yet do you notice a pattern here? One day gets away from me and I am upset. Sheesh!)






I am immediately drawn back to the message that was preached on Sunday about Spiritual Formation and know that this is where I am to start. Today. With Him and His Word gently speaking amazing grace to me. I want to be transformed and I am aware of the ways that my Lord might be refining me in the process. It is through the continuous offering of my body as a daily, living sacrifice and by the renewing of my mind. And it is not pretty. As I read, I consider David as he fled from Saul’s anger and Jonathan as he risked his life to protect his friend from his very own father. Oh Lord, I want to be a Jonathan. Or a David.


But how many times am I like King Saul? To be certain I have never hurled a spear at someone or sent armies to attack an enemy, but how many times a day does my selfishness creep in and give way to jealousy and anger towards those I loved only moments before?

Saul feared David more than he feared the Lord.

Candice sometimes fears rejection of others more than she fears the Lord.

Saul attempted murder with spears, armies, and deception.


Candice has murdered others in her heart with her thoughts and anger.

Saul’s life was spared when he deserved to be killed on the spot.

Candice’s life was spared when Christ was killed for her.

Saul’s life ended in the same way he had lived it- completely self-destructive and void of God.

Candice’s life is only beginning- completely and utterly dependent on Him. Longing to be void of anything that is not Christ.




As I close the Word and let my heart, soul, and mind be drawn to conversation with the creator of the universe, I am again brought back to my desperate state. I am aware of what the day could hold and I am tired. Tired of school, tired of learning disabilities that I can’t seem to help with, tired of whining, food issues and tantrums, tired of dealing with people who don’t understand, tired of reading and researching and finding out how this adoption will be the hardest thing we have ever done, and especially tired of waiting, waiting, waiting until the next time I will get to see our two children again.

I CANNOT do this one more day, I tell Him.



Of course you can’t, He whispers. But I can.

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23





And so my heart starts to sing a familiar psalm.



Psalm 121


I lift up my eyes to the mountains—


where does my help come from?


My help comes from the LORD,


the Maker of heaven and earth.


He will not let your foot slip—


he who watches over you will not slumber;


indeed, he who watches over Israel


will neither slumber nor sleep.


The LORD watches over you—


the LORD is your shade at your right hand;


the sun will not harm you by day,


nor the moon by night.


The LORD will keep you from all harm—


he will watch over your life;


the LORD will watch over your coming and going


both now and forevermore.



And as I hear the first footsteps coming down the stairs I know that I will be alright. He has made that possible and has made this moment worth living for. He will watch over my coming and going. Both NOW in this moment and forevermore throughout eternity.

I am so unworthy, yet there is grace enough for today.

How will I live?

Be very careful,then, how you live-- not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.

Ephesians 5:15-17

This is my prayer, my "resolution" so to speak for the new year.

A verse that the Lord has given me for this season of my life. Actually He has given it to me multiple times before, I have just failed to let it sink in fully! I am a verrrrry sloooow learner!

I want to live wisely and make the most of every opportunity as Paul challenges the Ephesians to do. I don't want to live foolishly and  more than anything I want to understand what the Lord's will is.

Each morning I have a choice to make that will have eternal consequences- I can choose to seek first the kingdom of God and live wisely, or I can choose my own kingdom (or QUEENDOM as some have put it) and be on the foolish path of destruction. And oh how grateful I am for His GRACE that covers me when I foolishly choose my desires (which unfortunately I do) and for His MERCIES that are new every single morning!

I have not been in the "blogging mood" lately and I am beginning to realize that maybe it is because the Lord is teaching me and helping me to grow through meditating on this scripture. You see, I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to certain things and I am always putting pressure on myself to make sure everything is just right or comparing my circumstance with someone else. And then when it isn't perfect, I get upset and just want to give up.

For example, most of you who read this blog know that a few years ago I started something called Pictures for a Purpose. As someone who knew very little about photography, it was a learning process and it ended up being a great way to raise a lot of the funds needed for Elliana's adoption. Fast forward two years, a new camera and a few online classes later. We are now in the adoption process again and once again are "advertising" to our friends and family that I am doing Pictures for a Purpose. And here is my struggle. I know I am not a professional and honestly I really don't have any plans to make this a business, but I want to just all of a sudden be really good and be able to do it all. You know, get the perfect exposure right away, have amazingly cool shots at amazingly cool locations, know how to use photoshop (or own photoshop for that matter), have a logo, a website, a cool blog, create a facebook page, a new lens, be like so and so, etc, etc! You see how I took something fairly simple- taking family portraits for our adoption fund- and turned it into this huge undertaking! I just want to give up before I even start- and I am asking myself... is this living as wise or unwise? Am I making the most of every opportunity by stressing over all these things that I really have no time for? NO. It sounds like it has become more about ME than about the ADOPTION.

And so with each day I am slooowly learning that: a) I cannot be a professional photographer while I have a million other responsibilities, and b) God has given me EVERYTHING I need to accomplish the the tasks and ministries of each day when I choose to rely on HIS POWER.

I have so many stories STILL to share about Africa and I really hope that I can post at least a few of them here sometime, but if I don't, then I am content with knowing that I have done the Lord's will each and every day. And of course I hope to be sharing the news of our adoption process with you all as time goes on. We are still very early on in the process but have already seen so many amazing miracles that we are confident that the Lord is going to do HUGE things through these two children!

Speaking of HUGE things, I wanted to give you an update on how the Lord has provided thus far.
As of yesterday, our GREAT and MIGHTY GOD has provided $18,000 for this adoption!!!!!! Can you believe that??? And of course we know that He used YOU- our dear amazing FAMILY and FRIENDS to do that!!! We are completely humbled and beyond grateful for the amazing outpouring of love by so many. You know who you are- and you have blessed us tremendously!!! Never in our wildest dreams could we have imagined that we would already be half way funded after only being in process for a month! Our God truly has proven that His plans WILL prevail- nothing, not even $ will stop these kids from becoming a part of our family. Wow. THANK YOU so much.

Can't wait to see what He has for the future! :)

This then is how I want to live:

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Matthew 6:33