It wasn’t something I would have planned for my life at the
ripe old age of 16, but it was God’s plan. In spite of our sin and selfishness,
He entrusted us with a little baby boy who we named Austin William. And our
life as a family began.
I had no idea what it meant to be a mother. I had what
seemed like a thousand people telling me what they thought being a good mommy
meant and like a good student I soaked up every piece of advice and watched
others interact with their children. And I just kind of went along with it. For
years. After all, I was so young and immature and every one else around me
wasn’t. I was just going through the motions and hoping and praying that
something turned out right. And I was dying on the inside. We were struggling
with Austin and no one seemed to care. We just needed to love him more and
learn how to be better parents. It was as if we had to continue proving that we
were even supposed to be parents before anyone would listen to the fact that we
were really having a hard time with him.
Over the years, I have learned what it means to be a mother.
But it hasn’t been from reading the latest parenting book, attending a class,
or watching someone else be super-mom.
God has used the past 15 years of ups and downs to show me
what being a mom is really about. He has been right here helping me to grow up
right alongside my son. Being a good mom is not about making sure my kids look
good on the outside and perform for others. It’s not even about making sure
they are well fed, dressed, go to church, have good manners and homeschooled.
Those things are fine and would even describe my children (most of the time) but
if that’s all it’s about, then I have failed.
It’s about making mistakes and asking forgiveness. Being
there for my kids no matter what. Advocating for them when no one else will. Being
confident that no one knows them better than we do. Loving them even when I
don’t feel it and loving them enough to say NO. Not measuring them up to any
standard but God’s. Praying for them fervently. Pointing them to their need for Christ always.
I have learned much more from being a mom than my kids will
ever learn from me. Now that I am 31 (and so much older and wiser- ha ha) my
eyes are being opened to what God requires of me as His child and I am slowly
seeing that He is all sufficient and that He is the only one I need to complete
this task. I admit that I get overwhelmed and very tired of being a mom.
Especially a mom to a child with some special needs. It is exhausting most days
and frustrating on the rest. But that is all part of the divine plan. If it
were easy, then I would have no need for Christ would I? His grace is
sufficient for me and His power made perfect in my weakness. I truly have to
depend on the Lord each and every day. And when I don’t… well, you can just
imagine how it goes.
October 27, 2011
My dear Austin,
I can’t believe it has been 15 years since that early
morning when we first held you in our arms. After a hard pregnancy and days of
labor, you had finally arrived and captured everyone’s hearts. I remember
looking at your sweet face and wondering what kind of boy and man you would
grow up to be. I remember finally getting a chance to be alone with you and
daddy. The tears started coming as the reality set in that we were now your
parents and we were responsible for this tiny little life that we held in our
arms. We were scared, but we knew that the Lord would be with us. When we named
you Austin, we weren’t as into the meaning of names as we are now and so we
picked it because we liked the name. Now as I look at the meaning of your name
I smile. Austin: magnificent; royal; great; helpful.
So fitting for you. And of course the name William is passed on from your
great-grandpa to your papa to your daddy and then to you. I treasure the
picture we have with the 4 generations of “Williams” because it is a reminder
of the godly heritage that you come from. A truly “royal” line of men. J
Over the years, we have had many ups and downs and it has
not always been easy. I am grateful that God gave us you because He has taught
Dad and I so much by being your parents. I am sorry that we have not been the
best parents and we make lots of mistakes, but thanks for being a son who loves
us in spite of all of that. I love you and want to be the mom that God wants me
to be for you and I pray that you will continue to have patience as I figure
that out!
You are so big now- towering over your short mom for a few
years already- and it is hard to believe that I once held you in my arms while
I fed you and sang to you. I want you to know that I have prayed for you to
grow up to be a godly man who fears the Lord like your daddy. It is now up to
you to make the decision to follow Christ with your life. We still have a
couple more years left with you here, but you are now old enough to make a lot
more choices on your own without us right by your side. In only one year you
will be old enough to drive- yikes! We pray that in every situation you will choose
Christ and glorify Him, but we want you to know that even when you fail and
mess up- we are here. We love you and nothing you do will ever change that. We
follow the example of Jesus, who loved us enough to sacrifice everything for
us… He loved us when we were completely sinful, broken, and messed up. How can
we claim to know Him and not do the same?
I love you Austin and I pray that this year of your life
would be the best yet. Full of growth and change and deeper relationships. I
pray that our relationship as your parents would grow stronger, more trusting,
and closer together and not further apart. You are and will always be our first
born son and we are grateful to God for the gift that you are.
Love,
Mom
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