The past several weeks have been busy to say the least.
To be honest I have not felt up to blogging much about them either.
But tonight my heart is heavy and I must get a few things out.
Forgive me for the rambling that may procede...
Most everyone wants to know how Elliana is doing and of course that is completely expected and welcomed. And so many times I just want to say she is doing just fabulous. I want to say that she is happy and content and completely bonded and all of her issues have completely gone away. I want to say that having her home is what I always dreamed it would be. Because isn't that what we all want to see and hear? That we are living in the happily ever after of the adoption fairy-tale?
But most days that is not the case. Most days as in just about every day.
I am going to be honest here.
I am having a hard time.
There are many "circumstances" I could blame it on.
Such as the fact that after 6 weeks of being home our baby is STILL having very painful stomach problems. Every 3-4 days it gets so bad that she is inconsolable until she finally goes and then afterward she still cries because of the fissures that are on the inside. Yes, we have been to the doctor. Twice. And yes we have switched formula, fed her prunes, water and juice, given her daily doses of MiraLax and probiotics, and resorted to suppositories. (sorry if all that is too much info for you- this is our life at the moment though) It is exhausting.
Or the fact that she seems so slow in developing. Yes, she has come a long way in the 6 weeks we have had her, but we are still anxiously waiting for her to hit some milestones very soon.
Or that after 6 weeks of being together all day everyday, I still don't feel like I have a very strong bond with my daughter. Yes, she of course recognizes me and will cry when I leave the room, but I know that she is still very reserved and doesn't yet trust me. In a lot of ways I still feel like the babysitter and I hate it.
Or the fact that I started homeschooling Austin and Nathan a few weeks ago and still feel lost about what we need to be doing each day. For the first time in 6 years, I am more unprepared than I have ever been. I sometimes forget that I have a child with learning disablities until I try to teach him and it is harder than its ever been. I also miss having Jensen home and have had a few mornings in tears because of it. Add to that a baby who refuses to take a morning nap and sometimes even afternoon naps- and teacher mommy can be a bit grumpy by 5:00.
Or the fact that as our oldest will turn 13 next month, we are praying that he would give his life fully to the Lord. It has been a hard road and there are many days we feel like just giving up when we see no fruit, but we know that it is God that must work in Him and then through Him for His purposes.
I could add many more "circumstances" to the list of things that are trying to rob me of my joy. It is always something isn't it?
But if I learned anything from studying the book of Philippians this Spring, it is that my faith and joy do not depend on my circumstances- that I can rest fully on the promises of God and be content "whatever the circumstance..." I admit I do not live like this everyday and I can get overwhelmed and downright depressed. If I were truly honest with myself I would say that I might even hang on to these circumstances to try to prove something. (not sure what) But deep down I know the Truth and it is so very freeing when I make the choice to cast my burdens on Jesus and to live a contented life. Jesus came so that we may have life and have it abundantly- not so we would worry and fret about what is going to happen. I am asking Him tonight to fill me with the Living Water that only He can give, so that I will never be thirsty again. I make the choice to rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS. No matter what the day brings. What about you? What circumstances are you clinging to and need to place in God's hands? Are you willing to "cast all your cares upon Him- because He cares for You?"
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:4-8