He gives and takes away... A tribute to my Grandma

Yes, we're home. And it's been the hardest 2 weeks ever. 

1 week after being home from Ethiopia, we lost my sweet Grandma. Yesterday we had her memorial service, exactly 2 weeks from the day our family was reunited at the airport. I don't understand the ways of the Lord, but I will say that I am thankful that Grandma knew Jesus and was surrounded by her loving family when she went to be with Him. This is a picture I took only a few days before she was gone. 

The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:21b

I promise to post about the kids soon and I have so many pictures of course. But because this blog is about more than just adoption, it's about making Christ known in every aspect of our life- I simply could not move on without sharing about my precious Grandma. 

I had the wonderful privilege of sharing a tribute to Grandma at the service yesterday. I know it's wordy, (when am I not??!!) but I would love for you to read it and think about your own life and the legacy you will leave behind someday...  

One of my favorite scriptures is Colossians 3:12-15. It says: “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.”

As I remember Grandma today, I can’t help but think of this passage. It just fits who she was to me. Though Grandma wasn’t a bible scholar or preacher by any means, she was one of God’s beloved children- one who knew that she was dearly loved by Him and had a simple, child-like faith in Jesus. That is what she taught me. This verse talks about being clothed in these different virtues. Anyone who knew Grandma for more than a few minutes, experienced her compassion and kindness in some way. Grandma laughed with you and cried with you. And whether it was making food for 5 or 50 people, sewing baby blankets and clothes, traveling around the world, hosting parties for every holiday, or just sitting with a listening ear- she was definitely a people person in her own quiet way. She was also a woman who was humble and gentle. She never wanted anyone to fuss over her or make a big deal. Well, except when it came to rubbing her feet. Oh yes- that was a big deal! She used to pay us kids a dime or even quarters to rub those calloused feet- until we got old enough to be grossed out and so we’d pass the job down to a younger cousin!

Grandma’s gentleness grew as the years went by. I saw her melt as she held her first great-grandchild and witnessed her joy and excitement at each and every one to come after. A few years ago she started attending women’s bible study with me. I loved having Grandma there as we opened God’s word together and during the week I would call her to see how she was doing on her lesson. She would kind of dance around the subject and ask how everyone in our family was doing or talk about some random thing. Finally after a while, she confessed that it was very difficult to do the study and hard for her to pay attention, but she kept coming because it made her so happy to see me and the kids every week. That was Grandma for you… she could never get enough family time.

Just by taking a look around, I think I can safely say that Grandma had many more friends than enemies. She was quiet, but loved making friends with people. She was not perfect, but she knew how to forgive when someone had wronged her and she encouraged me to do the same in my life. And when you saw how still in love my Grandparents were after 53 years of marriage, that wisdom went much deeper than simply words. Grandma and Grandpa lived out the saying that there is no love without forgiveness and there is no forgiveness without love.

And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. 

Every memory I have of Grandma reminds me of how much she loved her family. The sweetest times of my childhood were spent playing at Grandma’s house or being on a trip with her and Grandpa. Even in the darkest of times, I always knew that Grandma and Grandpa were there and they loved me. My children and husband experienced that same kind of love from her as well. What a gift.

The end of the Colossians passage says: Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 

Towards the end of Grandma’s earthly life, her physical body began to fail. She had heart attacks, a stroke, and deadly cancer. There were several times in the past 4 years that we did not think she would survive. But not only did God give her another few miracle years, He gave her incredible peace in the midst of it all. And He gave her a husband who cared for her and loved her unconditionally. After one of her trips to the hospital Grandma told me that there must be a reason that God had spared her life- some reason that she was still alive. I told her there was- so she’d better live it well! And she did. She got a few more years of “bonus time” we liked to call it.

Grandma was so excited for Randy and I to bring our 2 newest children home. Either her or Grandpa would call about once a week to check in and see if there was any news about the adoption and she would get anxious if the blog hadn’t been updated in over a week! She was just ready to love on those kids and wanted to know why in the world it was taking so long! It was her idea for mom to come with me to Ethiopia a few weeks ago and I’m so thankful for that. And I will never forget her face that day a week and a half ago when I brought the kids to the hospital to see her. She completely lit up! She was like her old self- joking with the kids and wanting to know all about the trip. I snapped a picture, not knowing if it would be the last time I would see her smile this side of heaven.

It was.

So many times this week, I have closed my eyes and seen Grandma’s smiling face or heard her voice. I want to pick up the phone and call her and tell her about how it’s going with the kids or get excited and anticipate with her about Nati and Mihret’s first Easter at home and dying eggs with her. I don’t want to have to tell my 3 year old yet again why Great Grandma Mallet isn’t home when we go to her house- because that’s where she’s supposed to be right?

A few days before she passed, Grandma told Grandpa “Jesus has me in His arms.” It was very hard for Grandpa and all of us, but she had such a peace. And now that Grandma is truly HOME, we are thankful for that. I loved my Grandma dearly and will miss her so much, but I am so grateful for all of the wonderful time I got to have with her and Grandpa these past 32 years.

Grandma and Grandpa surrounded by their family (minus the 2 newest great-grandchildren) 

Impossible?

The past few weeks have been incredibly difficult. Some of the most difficult we have faced yet.
I cannot go into detail but I just want to ask you to PRAY.

We are at a very critical point right now with this adoption. I cannot even post these words without crying.

All I can say is that it has been 7 weeks and the children have not been moved to another orphanage yet and it is not looking promising.

We are now being told that it may be impossible...

IMPOSSIBLE.

That word stirs so much fear in me and it threatens to completely knock me down and steal any joy that I have. I know that it is not the word in itself, but the enemy behind it who wants me to just back down and quit everything all together. To just accept the lie that it is just too hard and too complicated and that there is nothing else left to do. That it just is not going to happen.

IMPOSSIBLE.

This is certainly not the first time I've heard these words...

15 years ago as we faced an unexpected pregnancy at the ages of 16 and 17.
14 years ago as we married and heard all of the statistics of divorce rates among teens in our situation.
13 years ago when I went back to high school, married with a one year old child, but still very immature.
11 years ago as I was about to have my 3rd son at the age of 20 and was a complete wreck.
10 years ago as we struggled and went through some very dark times in our marriage.
9 years ago when we pulled our Austin out of school because of some major learning disabilities.
7 years ago when God first put adoption on my heart.
5 years ago when Austin still couldn't read & we moved our family for 3 months to take him to a special school.
4 years ago when we were dealing with a child who severe anger issues and found it hard to see hope.
3 years ago after we took Perspectives and felt God calling us to global missions.
2 years ago as we held a sweet baby girl in our arms who had some very serious delays.
1 year ago as we sat at the Orphan Summit in tears and prayed for God to do something radical with our lives.

And 8 months ago we heard that word spoken to us as we left two amazing kids behind in Africa that we loved with all of our hearts.


Yes, it's true. We have heard the word IMPOSSIBLE many times throughout our marriage.

But our God is bigger than even the impossible.

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.   He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Romans 8:37-38

And so we sit and wait for Him once again to do a miracle. If you've read this blog for awhile, you'll know that He has done great and mighty things over and over in our lives. If God is for us who can be against us? We are not giving up and we want to walk by faith and trust that He is in control, even when it seems like we are all alone.

I read this post "There is no such thing as adoption without suffering" on the Together for Adoption blog and it just resonated with me, especially in light of what we are going through. Powerful stuff and a timely reminder that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. (Romans 8:18)

The entire chapter of Romans 8 was such an encouragement to me today as well. As I wanted to take just one verse to quote at the end of this post, I found it to be, well... impossible! :) I wanted to quote the entire chapter!
This passage spoke to me especially as we are praying and really don't even know what to pray for:



Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.
Romans 8:26-30



Please join us in praying for God to once again move mountains...

No Greater Joy

Today was a very special day for our family. 2 of our sons were baptized this morning!

It was a wonderful day and after yesterday's rain, we were so thankful to wake up to blue skies today and a perfect day. (Although the water was pretty chilly!)

Our boys both expressed their desire to be baptized a few weeks ago and after going over the meaning of baptism and hearing them express their desire to be obedient to Christ, we saw no reason why they shouldn't!

We are so blessed to parent all 4 of our children and it is such an incredible joy to watch the Lord work in their little hearts and lives. God is writing each one of their stories and we pray that they would follow Him fully each day. He is the One who does the work. We have the blessing of watching it happen and giving them back to Him continually.


The boys wanted their daddy to be the one to baptize them and he did such an  incredible job.



















Here is our campus pastor introducing the boys.




He kind of forgot for a minute that Randy was going to do the baptizing and he almost dunked Nathan right then. Randy was super calm though and just asked if he could say a few words. :)


I am so proud of my husband. He is an amazing father and a godly example of a man who follows Christ with all of his heart. He spoke a few words to both of the boys and it was very powerful.


There are 3 questions that our church asks everyone who wants to be baptized to answer before they go through the process. The boys wrote out their answers and submitted them a few weeks ago. This is Nathan's.

Describe your faith journey:

I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 5 and God has been working in my life ever since. Over the years God has given me a love for children in need. A few years ago I went on a mission trip with my family to help build a house in Mexico. I had a good time playing with all the kids there. In 2009 we went to Korea to adopt my sister and now I hope that I can help other people in Korea someday. One year in Sunday school we were reading through the book of Acts and my favorite verse was Acts 1:8. “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you and you will be my witnesses in all Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria and to the ends of the earth.” I like that verse because God tells us that He will give us strength to share the gospel in all the world. I hope I can be like Paul and listen to God’s calling and not be afraid to share the gospel.

Describe why you want to be baptized:

I want to be baptized because I want to live my life for Jesus and I want to obey God. 

Describe who has influenced your faith journey:

My dad is a good influence in my life. He reads books to my brothers and me about becoming Godly men and he prays with us every night. He has taken us on lots of different trips that help strengthen and encourage me. 

Jensen went next. This is his story.

Describe your faith journey:

I grew up learning about God and I knew that Jesus died on the cross for me, but it wasn’t until January 2010 that I truly decided to follow Christ. This past year God has helped to change me to be more like Him. I am learning to be more patient and loving towards my family and friends. This year during Easter I went with my mom and dad to Africa and got to meet many kids, including my brother and sister. God changed my life and He gave me a heart for orphans. I pray that He will use my life to glorify Him.

Describe why you want to be baptized:

I never really understood the importance of baptism until I read the Bible and The Well’s statement regarding baptism. Once I read these, I knew that I needed to be baptized because I wanted to obey Christ. 

Describe who has influenced your faith journey:

My mom and dad have had a big influence in my life. My mom has homeschooled me for many years and we have had lots of discussions about the Bible. My dad has always been a good example to me and he took us on a “man trip” last summer where my brothers and I learned more about becoming Godly men. The best experiences with my mom and dad were when we went to Korea to bring home Elliana and when we were in Ethiopia in April. 

One of Jensen's best buddies who is such a great friend and Christian brother to him. His family is such an example of one who just loves the Lord and shares the gospel all the time- a great encouragement to us and we love them!

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth. 

3 John 1:4

Letting go and Choosing JOY

Since coming home from Ethiopia, I have not been "normal." For almost 5 days I slept, cried, got angry, got sick, cried again, and slept some more. I was in some kind of jet-lag/depression/sickness coma and it was horrible. I could not function. Sunday came and I could feel the fog lifting and although I cried during most of the worship time at church, I knew that the LORD was there and He was going to bring me out of it. I could almost hear Him saying to me over and over "even though you might not understand all of this, I am here with you and I have a purpose in all of this. Will you praise me and choose JOY even when it's hard? You need to understand that I am in control. Not you. So let go and trust that N and M are my children first and I have an amazing plan for their lives that I will reveal in MY perfect timing. I AM GOD AND I AM IN CONTROL." 


I knew then that I had a choice to make.

I could keep on living in that fog of uncertainty and doubt and depression or I could choose to trust HIM and choose JOY. No matter what the circumstance.

I know... if you've been reading this blog for awhile you know that I have had to learn this lesson before. Several times. In fact it's pretty much the story of my life. And it's also what strengthens our faith when we allow the Lord to teach us and shape us along the way.

I heard a quote last night from the teacher in our Bible study and it really pricked me.

He said, "The opposite of faith is not doubt. It's control." 


Ouch. 


How many times do I SAY I have faith, and yet am trying to control my situation at the same time? That is not faith. I think this is a lesson I will need to be taught over and over all my life, but I hope that each time I learn to trust Him, the muscle of faith will be strengthened and it will get easier and easier to walk through life without feeling the need to control it all. HE IS GOD AND HE IS IN CONTROL. And He LOVES our children with a far deeper love than we ever could. 


Yesterday morning I got up early (a first since we've been home) and started catching up in my daily Bible reading plan. It had been several weeks since I had done the reading, but I just picked up where I had left off in Revelation and was amazed at what God had saved for me- on this first day of choosing JOY.

"I know your works. Behold, I have set before you an open door, which no one is able to shut. I know that you have but little power, and yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name." Revelation 3:8





He was reminding me, who had little power, to just take a LOOK at all that had happened so far- all that HE had done- and to remember that HE is the one that opened that door and that NO ONE can shut it. He wanted me to stop focusing on all that hadn't happened yet and to start rejoicing in all that HAD.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4




And so that is just what I am going to do. With HIS help of course.

Because the reality is that our 5 days in Ethiopia were AMAZING. They were some of the best days of our lives. We spent 5 days with the most incredible kids I have ever met. We laughed and ran and played. We built friendships that we hope to have for a lifetime. We had an Easter we will never ever forget. N and M finally were told of our love for them. And our Jensen was completely changed forever by his experience there.



The next few posts will be reflecting on those 5 days. It is one of the ways that I think God wants me to share about our time and process the trip, while at the same time choosing JOY.

Why do you say, O Jacob,
   and speak, O Israel,

 "My way is hidden from the LORD,
   and my right is disregarded by my God"?

Have you not known? Have you not heard? 

The LORD is the everlasting God,
   the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary;
   his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
   and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
   and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
   they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
   they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:27-31

My Birthday Prayer

Today is a special day at our house! Yes, it is my 31st birthday, but something even more special than that happened today!


Can you guess what this is???

Here's a little better clue:

Yes, this is our COMPLETED dossier all ready to be mailed off to our adoption agency TODAY, on my birthday!!!  :)

In case you don't know what in the world a dossier is, it is basically just a huge pile of paperwork that includes everything about us and will be sent to the Ethiopian government to begin processing our adoption on their side. Everything in it had to be notarized and it includes things like our home study, police backround checks, tax forms, bank statements, birth certificates, passport photos, dr's forms, employment and reference letters, etc. etc. etc! Phew- I am just glad to be done with our part and be sending it off finally! It was definitely a lot more work than anything we had to do for Korea!

There is ONLY ONE more thing we will have to wait for before it can actually be sent to Ethiopia and that is immigration approval. We should be getting our fingerprint notice really soon and then we wait for the USCIS to approve us. After we are approved, our dossier will be on it's way first to Washington D.C. and then to Ethiopia!
It  is a huge milestone in the adoption world and what a perfect day to send it off! Yes, even with all that is happening regarding Ethiopian adoptions, we are still walking by FAITH and continuing on this journey that GOD called us on. We will keep taking each step until He closes the door.

We took a short trip to the coast this past weekend to celebrate my birthday and to just get away for a few days. It was pretty low-key, we did some shopping, eating, and walking along the beach. It was a bit chilly so we didn't spend too much time by the water, but it was just good to be together as a family. I hardly took any photos but here are a few of our time away.

Elliana was NOT very excited about the freezing cold water so Daddy held her most of the time!

These guys just got back last weekend from an awesome time with their Papa and Grandma. They went on a very fun and exciting Disney Cruise and didn't seem to miss us one bit for the 11 days they were gone! What a blessing to have such fun and generous grandparents who love to make memories with all of their grandchildren. I'll have to post pictures soon.

Look what the boys found! Gross!

A far away picture of my family...

And of course always thinking of my family who is far away...

This year my birthday wish, or should I say prayer, is that our awesome God will move many more mountains  and work many more miracles in the lives of His people. He is the Father to the fatherless and the defender of widows and I pray that I would rest in that truth this year. NO MATTER WHAT. 

I pray that His glory would be revealed throughout all the world and all generations and that He would allow us to be a part of His awesome plan and purpose for the world. I pray that I would know and rely on the LOVE that He has given me through Jesus. And that He would use every single difficulty this year to mold me and shape me into the woman that He created me to be. A woman who although weary and broken, follows hard after Him and a woman who although has many regrets from past mistakes, lives freely in Christ and is clothed in righteousness that He has given.

And of course my biggest prayer is that our family will ALL be together on my 32nd birthday, one year from today. ALL 8 of us. 

It seems absolutely impossible at the moment as I look at all the circumstances, but I walk by FAITH not by sight. 

He is GOOD. ALL the time. 

Thank You Lord for 31 years of LIFE. 

Your love, LORD, reaches to the heavens,
   your faithfulness to the skies.
 Your righteousness is like the highest mountains,
   your justice like the great deep.
   You, LORD, preserve both people and animals.
 How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!
   People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
 They feast on the abundance of your house;
   you give them drink from your river of delights.
 For with you is the fountain of life;
   in your light we see light.

Continue your love to those who know you, 

                         your righteousness to the upright in heart. 

Psalm 36:5-10

He hears

You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted, you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more. psalm 10:17-18

I am sure you have heard by now what has been going on in the world of Ethiopia adoptions. The confirmation yesterday of the news to cut adoption processing by close to 90% left me shocked and heartbroken. Heartbroken for those families who have experienced corruption or fraud in their adoptions- which is what this decision seems to be about, and of course heartbroken for all of the families who have children who wait.

The effects of this decision are yet to be known, as today was apparently the first day they were going to begin processing only 5 cases/day as opposed to 40-50/day. In our case, if the government really goes through with this, our N and M will have long "aged-out" before they would even have the chance to be adopted. It is unfathomable to think of how many older children will sit in orphanages and no longer have the possibility of a family because of this.

If you haven't signed the petition yet please do right now. http://www.gopetition.com/petition/43714.html


Yesterday I was a mess. I cried out to the LORD many many times and yet I still went through the day in fear, depression, even anger. You can imagine all that was going through my head and heart and I just couldn't seem to shake it. Randy and I talked for a long time about it all last night and he is feeling kind of numb about everything. If you know us and all that has happened not only with this situation but throughout our lives, it seems as though EVERY time we begin to walk by faith and follow what we think is God's call- something happens to end it. I mean every time. It is exhausting and confusing. Are we not hearing Him correctly? Or if I am honest, my thoughts are more "does He even hear me when I cry out to Him?"

The psalms are my comfort in times like these and today I have chosen to believe Him at His Word and ask Him to give ear to my prayer and my cry for help. I do not know what the future holds and if I think about it for too long it really does terrify me. But if I truly believe what the scripture says then I know that when the Lord says DO NOT FEAR close to 365 times in the Bible, He means it! He will protect me, answer me, be with me, deliver me, command his angels concerning me, be my shield, my comforter, my refuge, my deliverer, my stronghold, and my SALVATION.

It is easy to say we believe. To say we trust. To say we will follow Him no matter what the cost.

But actions show the proof that we believe what we say.

I know in my mind that He hears me. But am I living like that?

Will you trust Him with me today?

I call on you, my God, for you will answer me; 
   turn your ear to me and hear my prayer. 
 Show me the wonders of your great love, 
   you who save by your right hand 
   those who take refuge in you from their foes. 
 Keep me as the apple of your eye; 
   hide me in the shadow of your wings 
 from the wicked who are out to destroy me, 
   from my mortal enemies who surround me.
psalm 17:6-9

I love you, LORD, my strength.

  The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
   my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
   my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

  I called to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
   and I have been saved from my enemies. 

psalm 18:1-3

But I cry to you for help, LORD;
   in the morning my prayer comes before you. 

psalm 88:13

As for God, his way is perfect:
   The LORD’s word is flawless;
   he shields all who take refuge in him.
 For who is God besides the LORD?
   And who is the Rock except our God?
 It is God who arms me with strength
   and keeps my way secure. 

 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
   he causes me to stand on the heights.
 He trains my hands for battle;
   my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
 You make your saving help my shield,
   and your right hand sustains me;
   your help has made me great.
 You provide a broad path for my feet,
   so that my ankles do not give way.
psalm 18:30-36



Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High 
   will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 
 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, 
   my God, in whom I trust.”
psalm 91:1-2

good morning

It’s morning. 5:30 am to be exact. I faintly hear the gentle sound of my alarm calling me awake. But it’s still dark. And cold. And I don’t know if I can get up today.



It seems so overwhelming sometimes. You know, life.


So I succumb to the delightful thought of closing my eyes for just a little longer…


But it’s no use.


My mind has already defied what my body would like to do and it is telling the rest of me to drag myself out of bed. A few minutes go by or sometimes longer and the snooze reminds me of that, but either way I know that my day must begin.



Tiptoeing into the living room, I grab my weights and slip my tennis shoes on. In the warmer months I may go out around the neighborhood walking or jogging while listening to worship music or a good sermon, but today in the dead of winter I quietly put in a dvd and manage to just barely get through the 30 minute workout. And then comes my favorite part.




While my heart is still pumping fast and the sweat is still dripping, I grab the Word. I sit down in my chair with my Bible, journal, and my glass of water. I open the Truth and begin to let myself soak it in, much like a towel should be soaking in my sweat at that moment! :) Today it begins with 1 Samuel 19 & 20. I already start to get a little irritated at myself for having to play catch up from yesterday. (Confessions of a task-driven me: I am such a do-er and list- checker that I even bring it into my quiet time- I love having the little boxes to check off each day as I read the Bible in a year, yet do you notice a pattern here? One day gets away from me and I am upset. Sheesh!)






I am immediately drawn back to the message that was preached on Sunday about Spiritual Formation and know that this is where I am to start. Today. With Him and His Word gently speaking amazing grace to me. I want to be transformed and I am aware of the ways that my Lord might be refining me in the process. It is through the continuous offering of my body as a daily, living sacrifice and by the renewing of my mind. And it is not pretty. As I read, I consider David as he fled from Saul’s anger and Jonathan as he risked his life to protect his friend from his very own father. Oh Lord, I want to be a Jonathan. Or a David.


But how many times am I like King Saul? To be certain I have never hurled a spear at someone or sent armies to attack an enemy, but how many times a day does my selfishness creep in and give way to jealousy and anger towards those I loved only moments before?

Saul feared David more than he feared the Lord.

Candice sometimes fears rejection of others more than she fears the Lord.

Saul attempted murder with spears, armies, and deception.


Candice has murdered others in her heart with her thoughts and anger.

Saul’s life was spared when he deserved to be killed on the spot.

Candice’s life was spared when Christ was killed for her.

Saul’s life ended in the same way he had lived it- completely self-destructive and void of God.

Candice’s life is only beginning- completely and utterly dependent on Him. Longing to be void of anything that is not Christ.




As I close the Word and let my heart, soul, and mind be drawn to conversation with the creator of the universe, I am again brought back to my desperate state. I am aware of what the day could hold and I am tired. Tired of school, tired of learning disabilities that I can’t seem to help with, tired of whining, food issues and tantrums, tired of dealing with people who don’t understand, tired of reading and researching and finding out how this adoption will be the hardest thing we have ever done, and especially tired of waiting, waiting, waiting until the next time I will get to see our two children again.

I CANNOT do this one more day, I tell Him.



Of course you can’t, He whispers. But I can.

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23





And so my heart starts to sing a familiar psalm.



Psalm 121


I lift up my eyes to the mountains—


where does my help come from?


My help comes from the LORD,


the Maker of heaven and earth.


He will not let your foot slip—


he who watches over you will not slumber;


indeed, he who watches over Israel


will neither slumber nor sleep.


The LORD watches over you—


the LORD is your shade at your right hand;


the sun will not harm you by day,


nor the moon by night.


The LORD will keep you from all harm—


he will watch over your life;


the LORD will watch over your coming and going


both now and forevermore.



And as I hear the first footsteps coming down the stairs I know that I will be alright. He has made that possible and has made this moment worth living for. He will watch over my coming and going. Both NOW in this moment and forevermore throughout eternity.

I am so unworthy, yet there is grace enough for today.

How will I live?

Be very careful,then, how you live-- not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.

Ephesians 5:15-17

This is my prayer, my "resolution" so to speak for the new year.

A verse that the Lord has given me for this season of my life. Actually He has given it to me multiple times before, I have just failed to let it sink in fully! I am a verrrrry sloooow learner!

I want to live wisely and make the most of every opportunity as Paul challenges the Ephesians to do. I don't want to live foolishly and  more than anything I want to understand what the Lord's will is.

Each morning I have a choice to make that will have eternal consequences- I can choose to seek first the kingdom of God and live wisely, or I can choose my own kingdom (or QUEENDOM as some have put it) and be on the foolish path of destruction. And oh how grateful I am for His GRACE that covers me when I foolishly choose my desires (which unfortunately I do) and for His MERCIES that are new every single morning!

I have not been in the "blogging mood" lately and I am beginning to realize that maybe it is because the Lord is teaching me and helping me to grow through meditating on this scripture. You see, I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to certain things and I am always putting pressure on myself to make sure everything is just right or comparing my circumstance with someone else. And then when it isn't perfect, I get upset and just want to give up.

For example, most of you who read this blog know that a few years ago I started something called Pictures for a Purpose. As someone who knew very little about photography, it was a learning process and it ended up being a great way to raise a lot of the funds needed for Elliana's adoption. Fast forward two years, a new camera and a few online classes later. We are now in the adoption process again and once again are "advertising" to our friends and family that I am doing Pictures for a Purpose. And here is my struggle. I know I am not a professional and honestly I really don't have any plans to make this a business, but I want to just all of a sudden be really good and be able to do it all. You know, get the perfect exposure right away, have amazingly cool shots at amazingly cool locations, know how to use photoshop (or own photoshop for that matter), have a logo, a website, a cool blog, create a facebook page, a new lens, be like so and so, etc, etc! You see how I took something fairly simple- taking family portraits for our adoption fund- and turned it into this huge undertaking! I just want to give up before I even start- and I am asking myself... is this living as wise or unwise? Am I making the most of every opportunity by stressing over all these things that I really have no time for? NO. It sounds like it has become more about ME than about the ADOPTION.

And so with each day I am slooowly learning that: a) I cannot be a professional photographer while I have a million other responsibilities, and b) God has given me EVERYTHING I need to accomplish the the tasks and ministries of each day when I choose to rely on HIS POWER.

I have so many stories STILL to share about Africa and I really hope that I can post at least a few of them here sometime, but if I don't, then I am content with knowing that I have done the Lord's will each and every day. And of course I hope to be sharing the news of our adoption process with you all as time goes on. We are still very early on in the process but have already seen so many amazing miracles that we are confident that the Lord is going to do HUGE things through these two children!

Speaking of HUGE things, I wanted to give you an update on how the Lord has provided thus far.
As of yesterday, our GREAT and MIGHTY GOD has provided $18,000 for this adoption!!!!!! Can you believe that??? And of course we know that He used YOU- our dear amazing FAMILY and FRIENDS to do that!!! We are completely humbled and beyond grateful for the amazing outpouring of love by so many. You know who you are- and you have blessed us tremendously!!! Never in our wildest dreams could we have imagined that we would already be half way funded after only being in process for a month! Our God truly has proven that His plans WILL prevail- nothing, not even $ will stop these kids from becoming a part of our family. Wow. THANK YOU so much.

Can't wait to see what He has for the future! :)

This then is how I want to live:

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Matthew 6:33



With God ALL things are POSSIBLE! {Our miracle: part 1}

The LORD is good and He is faithful! And only HE is in the business of doing the impossible!

This past week something has happened that has caused me to step back in awe and wonder of how our God is at work in every detail of our lives and how when we are submissive to Him and delight in Him, He truly gives us “the desires of our hearts.” (Psalm 37:4 )

And do you want to know what that “desire of our hearts” is? Well, if you haven’t read THIS POST please go back and read that now. Because in order for you to grasp how amazing this story is, you will want to know where we have already been and what God has already done in our hearts and lives. (note: all identifying pictures have been removed)

In that last post, I had shared that we didn’t know why we went through all of that when God was just going to close the door, but we were certain that adopting from Ethiopia was in the near future. Well, after several weeks had gone by I was feeling like it was time to begin the process. Randy and I had discussed it several times and we were now thinking of using our original agency to adopt one or two girls between 2 and 7. We knew that we wanted Elliana to remain the “baby” for now, but really felt that it would be good for her to have a sister or two closer to her age to grow up with. I was already chatting with our social worker and thinking about girly bunk beds. Yes, I was still sad about not being able to adopt “our kids” but I figured it was out of our hands and we might as well move forward because we all know how long the adoption process takes! I made sure Randy knew I was ready and he would agree with me, but every time we would say we were going to sit down and fill out the application something else would come up and it just didn’t happen. Randy seemed hesitant to want to make a commitment too. Finally one morning last week I told him that I was ready and that I wasn’t going to say anything else or bug him, but when he was ready to fill out the application then to let me know. He told me he just didn’t feel like there was “closure” about the other situation and he wanted some closure before we moved on.

It was true, I hadn’t felt true closer either but I wasn’t really sure what else there was to do. The truth was that we had never actually heard from the children’s orphanage director ourselves, but we had only been getting messages from the agency, who was getting messages from their in-country staff. Normally that wouldn’t be a big deal because most people choose an agency they can trust. But in our case we had jumped into this so fast that we had failed to do our research and had ultimately ended up choosing an agency that we later found out has some very severe allegations against them and has not been ethical with it’s adoptions. We were so glad to have found out the information about the agency before we had lost a lot of money and of course cut ties with them, but we never once thought that they might not be telling us the whole truth about what was happening in Ethiopia.



So the day after Randy had told me he needed closure, I decided that I was just going to call Ethiopia and speak with the orphanage director myself. I figured it was the only way to really know what had happened and to know that there was no way that N and M would ever be a part of our family. Although we would never ever forget them, this was going to be the closure we needed and we would finally have a peace about moving on.



Oh and how our Lord must have been smiling down at us right then! :)


I got a hold of F, the director, right away and began to explain to him why I was calling. At first he couldn’t figure out who I was as I kept asking him if he had got our emails. I finally asked him “Did the adoption agency staff talk to you?” and all of a sudden it clicked. He was like “oh yes hello dear sister! God bless you! I am so glad to hear from you!” He told me yes he had got our emails and he was shocked and saddened to get the last one. (which told him that we had stopped pursuing them because of the information that the agency had told us) I asked him why he was shocked and if he understood that the reason behind the decision was because we wanted what was best for the children and it sounded like their mother had never even thought about adoption before and we in no way wanted to feel like we were pressuring her into anything.



What he said next brought me to tears.



He said that only a few days before he got our email he and a friend had went to visit the children’s mother who is a widow. He told her the news that a family wanted to adopt them and she cried because she was so happy. He told me she is a Christian and she said she had prayed to God that before she died she would know that her children were in a family. He said she loves her children very much and when she brought them to the orphanage 5 years ago she knew that he would take care of them and love them and teach them about God. And now to hear that someone wanted to adopt her children as their own had brought her so much joy that she cried in front of him.



He said then a few days later he got our email and figured something had happened and we had changed our minds about them. He said he had told the agency to tell us what their mother had said. Um, yeah well that message somehow never got relayed. Hmmm.



WHAT???!!!



Can you imagine what was going through my head at that moment? Oh my! Talk about things getting lost in translation!



He then asked me, “Do you still want to adopt them?”



Of course I didn’t have to think twice. I already knew the answer and I was 100% confident that I could speak for Randy on this one. There was no praying and waiting to “see if this was God’s will.” He had already revealed it to us and THIS WAS IT!



I said yes of course we did. That we still loved them and wanted the absolute best for them. This conversation with their mother had changed everything and I was still in shock from the news. We discussed the fact that if this was truly what God wanted, then the entire process would be done ethically and above reproach. That there would be A LOT of details that would need to fall into place and that there would be documents and legal papers that he would need to get. He agreed that because we are all Christians, everything would be done legally and ethically or it would not happen. Before we got off the phone, he told me he wanted to talk with their mother again and to give him about a week before calling him back. He wanted to be absolutely certain that this was her wish for her children and I of course didn’t argue with that. He told me to pray hard. Pray for peace for all those involved- their mother, the children, the director, and for us.



And that is exactly what we did.



We waited and prayed.



We were excited, but cautious. It seemed as though the Lord had flung the door back open again, but we wanted to be absolutely certain.



And what would happen a week later would be just the confirmation we needed…



Stay tuned for part two! Coming soon! :)