This is where the healing begins.

Silent.


That's pretty much how I have been on this blog recently. Same with facebook. (I de-activated my account for a time- for the few that were wondering.) And honestly, it might stay that way for awhile. I don't know.


The truth is that my life is a mess. And I can't pretend that it's not. I can't just post a bunch of happy, smiley pictures up and call it my life- it's not real. Yet, I'm not about to bare my soul to every stranger on the world wide web either. 


Which brings me back to just staying silent. Maybe if I just don't say anything to anybody or keep on working at pretending it's all fine... maybe then I will get out of the pit that threatens to bury me. 


Or maybe if I built up more walls and worked harder at not letting anyone get close enough to me to know the pain... maybe then I could just go on and not have to face the reality of dealing with the hard stuff.


And you might be sitting there thinking, "so how's that workin out for ya?" 


Well, obviously the pain and hard things have not gone away. In fact it gets worse because I am working harder and harder to deal with stuff on my own and have no one that I have let in to my life who will really understand. 


God is the only one who can truly heal us. I know that. 


I also know that our life on earth is not meant to be lived alone, but rather in community. God wants us to encourage one another and build each other up. To bear each other's burdens. To confess our sins one to another. To speak the truth in LOVE to each other. But how are we to really do that when so many of us are walking around pretending? Or afraid that if we opened up about how we were really doing- that we would be judged or misunderstood or whatever else. 


I think it starts with letting the walls that we've worked so hard to build up-  finally fall down. I think it starts with letting go of my pride and NO LONGER caring about what everyone else thinks and ONLY care about what God and His word says. I am tired of feeling like I never measure up. Never good enough. Never smart enough or pretty enough or skinny enough. Always trying to get my act together to look good on the outside or be like so and so. It is the story of my life.


Can you relate?


God has much to teach me and while I'm not about to go babbling my deepest darkest secrets on a public blog or FB, it seems that He has given me this place to share a bit of my life with those who choose to stop by here. I want to give hope and encouragement to those who are struggling along with me and not be just another blog filled with rainbows and butterflies and happy endings. 


Life. is. messy. And mine is no exception. 
So I think I will continue to write here as the Lord leads. I want to Make Him Known through the good times and the hard times and the ugly, messy times. If  you would rather click on this page and see only rainbows and roses, then I think you should go ahead and delete me from your reader list. It's not that I don't anticipate the Lord doing great and wonderful things, it's just that I know that in my life... the JOY always seems to come after the SORROW. And why is one more "blog-worthy" than the other? 




***I have listened to this song about 30 times in the past few weeks. It hits me right where I am at and I wanted to share in case someone else is struggling too. I am ready for the healing to begin.


Healing Begins 
by Tenth Avenue North


So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us