Wednesday, September 28, 2011

This is where the healing begins.

Silent.


That's pretty much how I have been on this blog recently. Same with facebook. (I de-activated my account for a time- for the few that were wondering.) And honestly, it might stay that way for awhile. I don't know.


The truth is that my life is a mess. And I can't pretend that it's not. I can't just post a bunch of happy, smiley pictures up and call it my life- it's not real. Yet, I'm not about to bare my soul to every stranger on the world wide web either. 


Which brings me back to just staying silent. Maybe if I just don't say anything to anybody or keep on working at pretending it's all fine... maybe then I will get out of the pit that threatens to bury me. 


Or maybe if I built up more walls and worked harder at not letting anyone get close enough to me to know the pain... maybe then I could just go on and not have to face the reality of dealing with the hard stuff.


And you might be sitting there thinking, "so how's that workin out for ya?" 


Well, obviously the pain and hard things have not gone away. In fact it gets worse because I am working harder and harder to deal with stuff on my own and have no one that I have let in to my life who will really understand. 


God is the only one who can truly heal us. I know that. 


I also know that our life on earth is not meant to be lived alone, but rather in community. God wants us to encourage one another and build each other up. To bear each other's burdens. To confess our sins one to another. To speak the truth in LOVE to each other. But how are we to really do that when so many of us are walking around pretending? Or afraid that if we opened up about how we were really doing- that we would be judged or misunderstood or whatever else. 


I think it starts with letting the walls that we've worked so hard to build up-  finally fall down. I think it starts with letting go of my pride and NO LONGER caring about what everyone else thinks and ONLY care about what God and His word says. I am tired of feeling like I never measure up. Never good enough. Never smart enough or pretty enough or skinny enough. Always trying to get my act together to look good on the outside or be like so and so. It is the story of my life.


Can you relate?


God has much to teach me and while I'm not about to go babbling my deepest darkest secrets on a public blog or FB, it seems that He has given me this place to share a bit of my life with those who choose to stop by here. I want to give hope and encouragement to those who are struggling along with me and not be just another blog filled with rainbows and butterflies and happy endings. 


Life. is. messy. And mine is no exception. 
So I think I will continue to write here as the Lord leads. I want to Make Him Known through the good times and the hard times and the ugly, messy times. If  you would rather click on this page and see only rainbows and roses, then I think you should go ahead and delete me from your reader list. It's not that I don't anticipate the Lord doing great and wonderful things, it's just that I know that in my life... the JOY always seems to come after the SORROW. And why is one more "blog-worthy" than the other? 




***I have listened to this song about 30 times in the past few weeks. It hits me right where I am at and I wanted to share in case someone else is struggling too. I am ready for the healing to begin.


Healing Begins 
by Tenth Avenue North


So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us

His blood can cover us

11 comments:

Jessica said...

I love your honesty--this is how it should be. We waste so much time "covering up" our issues and giving the appearance of "having it all together" instead of reaching out for help. We've all got them. I think the key is realizing that we're never going to live up to any standard or meet any expectations without the help of Jesus. Praying God sustains you.

Jessica

Leah said...

Praying for you. Thank you for finding the strength and bravery to share here.

I don't know your pain, but do relate to your post very much.

In short, I am drowning in sorrow and other areas of my life. I am desperate for Jesus, yet I don't even know how to reach out anymore, so I have just basically shut down behind close doors of course. And, how is that working for me?? Not! Why don't I ever learn? Agh.

Praying for you. You are not alone.

Kimberly said...

I found your blog through my friend Karen. I'm a total stranger to you, but I feel your pain. We are pilgrim's here on this earth, and as long as we dwell in this flesh there will be pain. We are all facing struggles, fears, hurt, physical pain, uncertain situations, and the fear of being unloved or unwanted. But God in His great love for us has given us a future and a hope. I pray that you rest in Him, and allow Him to heal you and help you. We all need to drop the fake exterior and allow people to see through us and know that they're not alone. We should bear each other's burdens. I'm praying for you now!

Cynthia said...

Someone once told me that if you walk up to any person and simply say, "I am praying for you," chances are they will have reason to appreciate those words. I am praying for you. This life is not easy as Jesus' life was not easy. May God's peace and love lift you in ways you can see and feel.
"He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock, and covers it there with His hand..."

Heather said...

oh sweet girl... I have followed your blog for so long. do not be afraid to share, as you are not alone. we all share your doubts, worries, fears, sadness - as mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, friends, women. we are not here to judge, but to love and support.
take good care of yourself -
with much love,
heather in new hampshire

Aaron said...

Candice, we're praying for you and Randy. Hoping that difficult times will give way to the good that God has in store again. All things do work together for good...even though it can be so difficult to see initially.

Renee said...

The Venegas clan loves you guys! Let us know (if you want) how we can further be praying for you! However we can help from afar!

mummyofprincesses said...

Candece....afraid to hear that maybe you have been given some heart breaking news. Know that you are in my prayers. I have LOVED following your blog. We were in the midst of a 3rd surprise sibling adoption from Korea, for our 5th daughter, and hit a government shutdown and so many unknowns when I came across your blog. God brought me to the place of complete surrender, including the surrendering of precious Hanna that I may never see her face. Though the path was a constant walk of faith not by sight, we miraculously brought home our 5th daughter a couple of weeks ago. The day I expected more bad news, was the very day that God gave us a green light to get her. So many things He taught me this journey. Things I knew in my head, but needed to be experienced in my heart. Don't be afraid to share your heart. The enemy loves for us to wear our masks and stay behind our walls. Oh how I can get affected by one negative comment, or a friend that has no time to read our journey and want to give up, and put up my walls, when even if it's one person that has been encouraged by our story, or ups and our downs, the transparency and the honesty. Keep blogging for those that are listening Candace. Let the critics fall to the wayside, but as you share your brokenness, I believe with all MY HEART that you help others chains break. THe enemy hates it, and wants to discourage you and defeat you. Write for the glory of God. Write out your heart, write our your questions, write out your pain.....for people will see that God isn't looking for perfection, just people He can use, and the hardest part is when He calls us into the arena of suffering. Know sweet sister, that you are not alone though. God sees you, loves you, hears you and knows all about you. He has counted each precious tear that you have cried. BIG CYBER HUGS....from one blogging adoptive Momma to another! May He heal your broken heart. It will forever show the scars, but they will shine His glory through them if you let Him. You have a gift sweet sister.....shine on!!

Opitz Family said...

Wow! Thanks for the honesty! I am so sick of having to live up to a magazine perfection culture. I am so ready to have more women be REAL!! It's so hard, few people want to see the real, messy, hard part of life. I now steer clear from women who seem to have it all together, they strike me as phony. Why can't we be a mess and still be loved?Even Jesus had weakness, begging for the cup to pass by, and He let us see His weakness! Thanks for your refreshing post! Found you on Korea forum, girleebird.

lifeintheparentlane said...

Candace, I'd hadn't been able to keep up in awhile and I hope everything's okay. My life can be pretty messy too. I don't think anyone's exempt and we help ourselves and others by writing about it. I think it helps to know you're not alone. Prayers for you all in whatever it is.

candice said...

Thank you sweet friends for your kind comments and emails.
There is freedom in being authentic and I am learning that I would rather have that than have to keep pretending to be someone I'm not just because everyone else around me is doing that. Clearly I am not the only one who feels this way! :)

God is glorified through both our pain and our joy- I want this blog to reflect both of these.

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