Wednesday, January 19, 2011

good morning

It’s morning. 5:30 am to be exact. I faintly hear the gentle sound of my alarm calling me awake. But it’s still dark. And cold. And I don’t know if I can get up today.

It seems so overwhelming sometimes. You know, life.

So I succumb to the delightful thought of closing my eyes for just a little longer…

But it’s no use.

My mind has already defied what my body would like to do and it is telling the rest of me to drag myself out of bed. A few minutes go by or sometimes longer and the snooze reminds me of that, but either way I know that my day must begin.

Tiptoeing into the living room, I grab my weights and slip my tennis shoes on. In the warmer months I may go out around the neighborhood walking or jogging while listening to worship music or a good sermon, but today in the dead of winter I quietly put in a dvd and manage to just barely get through the 30 minute workout. And then comes my favorite part.

While my heart is still pumping fast and the sweat is still dripping, I grab the Word. I sit down in my chair with my Bible, journal, and my glass of water. I open the Truth and begin to let myself soak it in, much like a towel should be soaking in my sweat at that moment! :) Today it begins with 1 Samuel 19 & 20. I already start to get a little irritated at myself for having to play catch up from yesterday. (Confessions of a task-driven me: I am such a do-er and list- checker that I even bring it into my quiet time- I love having the little boxes to check off each day as I read the Bible in a year, yet do you notice a pattern here? One day gets away from me and I am upset. Sheesh!)

I am immediately drawn back to the message that was preached on Sunday about Spiritual Formation and know that this is where I am to start. Today. With Him and His Word gently speaking amazing grace to me. I want to be transformed and I am aware of the ways that my Lord might be refining me in the process. It is through the continuous offering of my body as a daily, living sacrifice and by the renewing of my mind. And it is not pretty. As I read, I consider David as he fled from Saul’s anger and Jonathan as he risked his life to protect his friend from his very own father. Oh Lord, I want to be a Jonathan. Or a David.

But how many times am I like King Saul? To be certain I have never hurled a spear at someone or sent armies to attack an enemy, but how many times a day does my selfishness creep in and give way to jealousy and anger towards those I loved only moments before?

Saul feared David more than he feared the Lord.

Candice sometimes fears rejection of others more than she fears the Lord.

Saul attempted murder with spears, armies, and deception.

Candice has murdered others in her heart with her thoughts and anger.

Saul’s life was spared when he deserved to be killed on the spot.

Candice’s life was spared when Christ was killed for her.

Saul’s life ended in the same way he had lived it- completely self-destructive and void of God.

Candice’s life is only beginning- completely and utterly dependent on Him. Longing to be void of anything that is not Christ.

As I close the Word and let my heart, soul, and mind be drawn to conversation with the creator of the universe, I am again brought back to my desperate state. I am aware of what the day could hold and I am tired. Tired of school, tired of learning disabilities that I can’t seem to help with, tired of whining, food issues and tantrums, tired of dealing with people who don’t understand, tired of reading and researching and finding out how this adoption will be the hardest thing we have ever done, and especially tired of waiting, waiting, waiting until the next time I will get to see our two children again.

I CANNOT do this one more day, I tell Him.

Of course you can’t, He whispers. But I can.

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

And so my heart starts to sing a familiar psalm.

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—

he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you—

the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm—

he will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

And as I hear the first footsteps coming down the stairs I know that I will be alright. He has made that possible and has made this moment worth living for. He will watch over my coming and going. Both NOW in this moment and forevermore throughout eternity.

I am so unworthy, yet there is grace enough for today.


Christi said...

beautifully articulated, honest, and real! i love you and your heart! thank you for sharing... it's a beautiful thing and the honesty you share helps us all to remember to be honest with ourselves, with others, and before the Lord!

Ally said...

Just keep clinging to the One who Rescues us. He is faithful. Thank you for always being so real and open to what God has put on your heart. You truly bless me at the right season. He is Good all the time :)

Treva said...

Your writing is so amazing! I love reading what you post!

bbuczynski said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
becky said...

I started following your blog after Christmas when a friend showed it to me. Thank you for being real and vulnerable. I am frequently (I need to daily but I forget) reminded of Hebrews 4:16 "Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

Finding grace with you,
Becky from Maryland (homeschool mom of 4: ages 8,6,3,1)

Debb said...

Thank you! THANK YOU! I find myself in that very place. You know, the one where I say, "I cannot do this one more day." I needed the reminder that He says, "Of course you can't, BUT I CAN." Bless you for sharing your heart. It has lifted mine as we wait for our referral. Bless you!

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